


hold you in my arms

by biblionerd07



Category: Captain America (Movies)
Genre: Loneliness, POV Sam Wilson, Past Character Death, Platonic Cuddling, Sam Needs A Hug, Sam Wilson Feels
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-09
Updated: 2015-08-09
Packaged: 2018-04-13 21:31:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,566
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4538106
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/biblionerd07/pseuds/biblionerd07
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sam is happy his friends are happy. But sometimes he gets an ache in his chest and sometimes he gets a little sad and sometimes he gets a bit lonely.</p>
            </blockquote>





	hold you in my arms

**Author's Note:**

  * For [iwillnotbecaged](https://archiveofourown.org/users/iwillnotbecaged/gifts).



> This is for the lovely [i-will-not-be-caged](http://i-will-not-be-caged.tumblr.com/). Happy birthday!! This can be platonic or not platonic, dealer's choice. Full disclosure: I started writing it totally platonic and then while I was writing it I started to feel like I felt sort of...not...platonic...about it. That was interesting and unanticipated.

Sam is exhausted. He’s pulling double duty these days—still running sessions at the VA, but now with the added weight of being an Avenger when the need arises. Still, tired as he is, he can’t imagine giving up either obligation. His vets _need_ him. He knows what they’re going through. He can help them. And being an Avenger is…well, it’s a dream come true. Getting his wings back? Nothing better than that.

But when he unlocks his front door and sees the scene on the couch, he can’t help the little ball that tightens in his stomach. Steve and Barnes are asleep on the couch, all tangled up together. Barnes is drooling and Steve’s making a little _whuff_ sound every time he breathes that he will go to his grave insisting is not a snore. (Sam shared hotel rooms with the guy all over the world for months, okay, it’s a snore.)

Sam is exhausted. But Sam is happy with his life. But…

But.

But sometimes, when he is extra exhausted, he wants to lean on someone. He knows he can talk to Steve anytime. He could call up Natasha. He and Rhodey have been getting tight these days. Hell, he could even try talking to Barnes, because Barnes is working on being open and communicative to people besides Steve.

But sometimes when Sam is extra exhausted, he wants to lean on someone _physically_. He wants to rest his head on someone’s shoulder and just breathe for a minute or an hour until he feels stronger.

Riley…Sam’s gut twists a little. Riley was so good at noticing when Sam needed a rest. Ironically enough, it didn’t happen as often before Riley as it does now. What happened to Riley is part of the reason Sam needs someone. But before, Riley could take one look at Sam’s brave face and know. He’d wrap both arms around Sam, Sam’s protestations that he was _fine, just fine_ be damned, and let Sam bury his face in the crook of Riley’s neck.

Sam doesn’t much like asking for help, no matter how often he preaches it at group. He knows he’s a hypocrite. He knows asking for help doesn’t make him weak. But he just…can’t. The worry lines between Steve’s eyebrows are just barely easing up now that Barnes is back, and Sam doesn’t want to bring them back. And dumping his problems on _Barnes_ of all people just seems cruel. Natasha, too. After everything they’ve been through, asking them to carry some of his weight feels selfish.

He knows it isn’t right. He knows it isn’t healthy. But his feelings are his feelings and that’s how it’s going.

Sam sighs quietly and lugs his gear back to his room. Steve and Barnes aren’t even living here anymore, not really. They just drop in sometimes. Sam loves it. He loves having house guests, and he loves Steve. He’s getting to know Barnes, too, and they’ve even had three full conversations that didn’t end in awkward silence. He loves that they feel comfortable enough here to drop their guard, snuggle up on his couch and fall asleep. He does.

He closes his bedroom door and leans against it for a minute, heavy and worn down and a little sad and lonely. He lets himself wallow for a minute, the old dull ache of losing Riley nipping at his chest, and then he pushes off and heads to take a shower.

  
“Thanks for dinner,” Linda says, and Sam smiles and assures her it was his pleasure. They’re both being polite, and they both know they’re not going to go out again. There was nothing wrong with Linda. There just wasn’t anything spectacularly right, either. And Sam isn’t the kind of person who thinks there need to be fireworks going off on a first date, doesn’t believe in love at first sight or anything like that, but the long silences between them at the table had felt heavy and insurmountable and Sam hadn’t been comfortable. That’s what he wants most right now—comfort.

And he isn’t finding it here.

This is his third date in two weekends. It’s possible he’s hitting the dates a bit harder now that Steve and Barnes have started…whatever they are. Or restarted? Sam’s not entirely clear on the details, and it’s hard to get them out of Steve when he tends to get moony-eyed over Barnes.

It’s not like they don’t still talk about other things. Steve is as vigilant in keeping their friendship strong as he is in anything, and Sam’s grateful for that. But still, Steve’s got that glow of someone who’s got a partner, a built-in friend for every function, a hand to grab whenever he needs it.

Meanwhile, Sam just bought a body pillow to hold onto at night.

He stuffs his hands in his pockets as he walks home, feeling tired and frustrated and sick of that hollow feeling in his chest. And there’s Barnes, leaning against Sam’s front door. Sam raises his eyebrows when he sees him.

“Hi,” he says.

“Hey,” Barnes responds. “Steve’s coming.”

“Okay.”

Sam unlocks the door, appreciating that Barnes didn’t just pick the lock or climb in through a window even though he can—and has been known to—do both. He’s getting real good at boundaries.

“We brought pizza,” Barnes says, fidgeting with the hem of his shirt.

“Sounds great,” Sam assures him, even though he already ate dinner.

Barnes shifts his weight a little. “You were on a date.” It’s not a question.

“How’d you know?” Sam asks. He didn’t tell Steve about this one. Barnes shrugs a little.

“Tighter-fitting jeans than usual. Cologne. Shirt that makes your eyes stand out. Gel in your hair.” One side of his mouth lifts up slightly into what is his version of a smile. “I notice things.”

Sam huffs a little laugh. “That you do.”

Barnes swallows. “Not a good date?” At Sam’s questioning look, he adds, “It’s eight-thirty and you’re home.”

Sam nods. “It was fine.” He sighs. “That was the problem. It was just fine.”

Barnes nods. “Sorry,” he offers. Sam feels strangely touched by how hard he’s trying right now. From all of Steve’s stories, he knows Barnes is caring and empathetic and was quite the charmer back in the day. It’s nice to see him getting some of that back.

Steve walks in then, carrying three boxes of pizza and a six-pack. He does a little double-take when he sees how Sam’s dressed. “Oh, did you have a date?” He asks, because Steve notices things, too. “You look good. Where’d they go?”

“She went home,” Sam says, and Steve’s eyebrows furrow.

“Why?” He asks. “You didn’t like her?”

“Maybe she didn’t like me,” Sam points out.

Steve makes a face that’s somehow incredulous and earnest at once. “I don’t see how that’s humanly possible.”

Sam laughs at that. “Thanks, man. I’m gonna change out of these tight date jeans so we can eat pizza. You guys want to pick a movie?”

“Oh, you can pick the movie,” Steve offers graciously. “It’s your house.”

“And you feel bad I had a bad date,” Sam says knowingly. Steve shrugs a little sheepishly. “It wasn’t bad. It just…wasn’t that great.”

Steve nods knowingly, like he’s been on a date with anyone other than Barnes or Peggy Carter on one of her good days in his entire life. Sam takes a minute to breathe while he’s changing, psyching himself up for the affection he’ll witness between Steve and Barnes.

They’re sweet together, almost shy sometimes with their touches, and Steve confided in him once it’s because they both still have trouble believing they’re _allowed_. It makes him want to push them together and fight anyone who looks askance at them. But it’s still a little tough to deal with when he’s feeling lonely, and that makes him feel even worse because not being happy for your friends is a shitty feeling.

They eat pizza and watch _School of Rock_ and Steve and Barnes hold hands and murmur quietly together from time to time in a way that makes Sam’s chest hurt a little. It’s jealousy, kind of. Not jealous because he wants to be with either of them himself, but kind of jealous that they have each other. He’s happy they have each other.

He just wishes he had someone, too.

They’re about halfway through the movie when Sam notices that the happy couple’s whispering has gone a bit more intense and purposeful than sweet and sappy, and he hopes they’re not having some kind of argument while he’s sitting there. It’s bad enough feeling lonely because a couple’s being cute; he doesn’t want to add awkwardness over witnessing them fight.

“Ask him,” he hears Barnes hiss. Steve’s eyebrows move in a complicated pattern that Barnes apparently follows perfectly, because he rolls his eyes and says, “He’s not _you_.”

Steve clears his throat and Sam pretends to only just turn his attention to them. “Uh, Sam,” Steve starts awkwardly. “We were…wondering.”

“He knows we were talking about him,” Barnes mutters, and Sam shrugs unapologetically when Steve looks at him questioningly. It’s not his fault these two super-spies aren’t as sneaky as they think.

“Oh, okay.” Steve bites his lip. “Now, we don’t mean to offend you or anything by asking this. So if it makes you mad, just…forget it, alright?”

Barnes rolls his eyes. “Normal people don’t get mad about this kind of thing.”

Sam doesn’t know where this is going and he’s already feeling tired with them, so he raises his eyebrows and says, “Spit it out, Rogers.”

Steve gives Barnes a little half-glance and then says, “Are you…okay?”

“You’re sad,” Barnes says, then apparently remembers the discussion he and his therapist had about assigning other people emotions and adds, “I think.”

Steve’s looking at him with big, sad eyes at the thought of him being sad, and Barnes actually has an expression on his face (any expression on his face is kind of noteworthy), and Sam has to look down at his lap for a minute as his throat goes tight.

“I’m fine,” he manages to say.

“Sam.” Steve somehow injects every ounce of earnestness and heartfelt emotion he possesses into one word. “You don’t let me get away with that. What makes you think I’ll let you?”

Sam bites his lip, hard. “Just kind of…lonely,” he admits, still not looking up.

“Lonely,” Barnes echoes. “We’re here.”

“I know,” Sam sighs. “It’s—you’ve got each other, and Clint and Natasha are whatever they are, and Wanda and Vision are starting up their thing, and I just…” He shrugs. “I’m alone.” He cracks a rueful little smile. “Sometimes a man just needs to cuddle, you know what I mean?”

There’s a pause while Steve looks and Barnes and Barnes looks at Steve and they hold their weird, intense eye contact for a long enough time that Sam feels uncomfortable just _watching_ it, and then Steve turns laser-eyes on Sam and says, with utmost gravity,

“Do you want to cuddle with us?”

Sam gapes for a minute. “Uh…what?”

Steve gestures at himself and Barnes. “We’re right here. If you need to cuddle, or you just need a hug…” He shrugs.

“Men can hug whenever they want,” Barnes adds, like maybe it’s some kind of machismo holding Sam back and not just shock. “And we’re good at it.”

“We are,” Steve agrees. They’re both absolutely serious, and Sam can’t help it—he starts laughing. Now they’re wearing identical looks of confusion and it makes Sam laugh harder.

“It’s a very sweet offer,” Sam finally gasps out. “Thank you.”

There’s another pause. “Is that a yes or a no?” Steve asks, and Sam opens his mouth and then stops. They’re sitting there, ready and waiting to cuddle him. With strong arms. They both have very strong arms. And Sam is a guy who needs touch sometimes, platonic or otherwise. And, well. It’s _Captain America_ and _Bucky Barnes_. Sam would be lying if he said he didn’t have some teenage fantasies that were sort of similar but also very, very different than this exact situation.

“Um,” Sam tries.

“You can say no,” Barnes assures him, too intense as he always is but also very sweet.

“You can also say yes,” Steve adds gently, because Steve’s gotten to know Sam incredibly well by now. Sam feels a horrifying lump rising in his throat. He is _not_ going to cry over two of his good friends offering to cuddle with him.

“Okay,” he says, and then watches as they immediately switch into strategy mode.

“This couch or that one?” Steve asks.

“Wha—uh…” Sam splutters.

“We’ll come to you,” Barnes says. “I’ll take left.” He rolls his eyes a little when Steve looks slightly crestfallen. “Yeah, you got your cute flirty _on your left_ thing, but if I go right he gets the metal one.”

Now Steve looks a little pained. “There’s nothing wrong with—”

“It’s _cold_ ,” Barnes cuts him off.

Steve purses his lips. “Fine,” he says, tone indicating that argument’s going to be picked up again later.

And then they get up, totally in sync in a way that almost looks like it has to be _practiced_ , and converge on him. It would be a little frightening, really, these two giant supersoldiers looming over him, if he didn’t know them.

“Should I…?” Sam starts to ask before they sit down on either side of him and each slide an arm behind his back. Steve pulls Sam’s head against his shoulder and Barnes starts running his hand through Sam’s hair. The metal is a little cold, but not really unpleasantly so. Sam’s wedged snugly between them, Barnes playing with his hair and Steve rubbing a hand up and down his arm, and the lump comes back into Sam’s throat.

They weren’t lying about being good at this.

Sam squeezes his eyes closed and just lets himself be held. He’s not sure how long they stay like that, but the movie ends and they don’t move, and neither of them complain about getting tired or going numb or anything. Sam even falls into a little doze, almost, eyes slipping closed with the feeling of being surrounded by warmth.

Eventually, he starts to feel a little self-conscious, and he knows it’s time to get up. He sits up and they immediately take the hint and pull their arms away from him. He mourns the loss a bit.

He has to clear his throat before he can get any words out. “Thank you.”

“Anytime,” Steve says, and Sam can see he actually means it. Sam works up a little smile.

“Well, uh.” He shrugs and rubs a hand over the back of his neck. “You guys can take the guest bed. You know where everything is.”

Steve and Barnes have another staring match for a minute, and then Barnes nods a little and Steve says, “Or we could all sleep in your bed. If you’re comfortable with that.”

Relief floods through Sam’s whole body, and this time his smile is big and real. “Yeah,” he says. “Yeah, that’s cool with me.”

Steve snores two inches from his ear and Barnes drools on him, but it’s the best sleep Sam’s had in a long, long time.


End file.
